Hello Everyone,
I am Amanda. I am 27 years old this year. I am a Singaporean. Just 1 year ago, I quit my job as an Early Childhood Teacher. As much as I love interacting with children, I knew I needed a break from everything. Because I was burnt out from immense stress that I put on myself. I started to have distorted thoughts and feeling detached from my own body. It feels as though I am seeing myself from outside my body. I consulted the psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with Depression & Anxiety. I did not want to take any medication and the psychiatrist was patient to let me decide until I am ready. I was still confused and did not accept the fact of my condition.
After a few weeks of diagnosis, I developed panic attack. The first time was out of no where, when I was blowing the fan right in my face and my heart started to beat so fast. Very quickly, I start to have cold sweat and could not breathe properly. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. It seems like darkness is downing on me and I feel like death is near me. I cried as I calm myself down. Subsequently, I kept having panic attacks. I could not bring myself to the shopping mall, to take the train, sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night will also cause panic attack out of no reason.
Sometimes even taking a car to my destination also triggers it. I could not handle it anymore because I was on my toes, wondering when will the next attack comes. I went to seek the psychiatrist. He gave me medication for panic attacks and mood disorder. After taking it for awhile, I was much better. Panic attacks went down to zero. But my mood was still very affected. I can be happy and in the next minute, I can be feeling very low. I am still depressed in my own world.
I lost my confidence. I lost my fight. I lost myself.
At the age of 27, there are many people who are striving for their career, marriage, house, giving money to their parents. This is the societal norms that we all know. And we all have to do. At the thought of this, I start to feel anxious. I could not do things like a normal person. I cannot focus.
It’s been a year living like this. I know I cannot continue this way. It will hurt my loved ones around me. I need to stand up for myself. I need to start living life again.
I need a platform to express myself. Youtube is a great platform for me to showcase both my ideas and feelings at the same time. I hope that whoever can relate to this, you are not alone. It might or might not be a long time to heal, but slowly and surely. We will get back on our feet together.
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Music Track Title : Summer Memories by Gavin Luke
Copyrighted by: Epidemic Sound